hope for the flowers

2006-04-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

i often dream the dreams of the used
sea salt, dragonflies, the moon
echoes of your laughter
the residue of your sticky breath on my face

in my dreams i find you again
you come to me often in the form of mist
an ever wandering song
endless and boundless in melody and joy

you creep across the valley
along the stream and into my presence
sweeping in between my toes
circling each one
like planets in orbit

you bring with you a pulling
and from the pulling
is drawn the One
surrounding you like starved seagulls
bobbing its head up
like fish in a fish tank

we all become welcome
in his home in the forest
this sweet lord with arms long and countless
dances with us all
as the sun goes down

i fall asleep to your laughter
the sea salt, the dragonfly, the moon

2006-04-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

this is she
a lucid memory, like red ribbon
in a slipstream of longing

she finds herself painful to watch
like a man protesting his obvious obesity
ridiculous really

often she delves into her thoughts
face first, hands extended
moving back and forth, fingers spread

trying desperately to move something
to somehow change these sharp dynamics
ease the pain

she grasps in vain, she knows
its like a needle
penetrating the storming sea

everything goes on, steadily continuing
yesterday melting into today
obliviously cruel

2006-04-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

we dance by the fire
endless in love
warming our hands
we send violent prayers
up to our god

we sing for the trees
for the flowers, for the birds
moving like water
graceful and soft, disturbing nothing
our footprints forgetting to leave their mark

we whisper, just for fun
and listen as the earth
belly laughs at our foolishness

we step closer, heavier
louder, wider
smooth is our song
wild our dance
warming our hands by the fire

2006-04-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

i run, only to keep my feet from going numb
i'm hardly a shadow in your presence

the girls are singing now, soft and high, in the clouds
you are breathing out the breath of color
tangible, pliable color
blue, purple, green

i wish you wouldn't
it's hard to run in puddles of brown

i saw her sitting in a thistle patch, up the mountain
she was dressed in wool, despite the hot humid weather
in her hand she held an ivy tree
which grew, over time, to wraps its arms around her

when i looked back, you had turned into water
still running
your colors spewing erratically now
diluting as they ran down your sloshy body

(why on earth must i run through this mess)

i watched as your fingertips began to pour out water
a thin transparent stream

the girl in the ivy won't stop crying
and the voices in the clouds are falling further and further
out of key

muddier, wetter, slower i run
up to my shins in your product

minutes pass like days as you decide to laugh
a piercing, rhythmic laugh almost in slow motion
flailing your fountain arms about
like rubber snakes

it's then that i stop
standing silently and stiff as a board
knee deep in murky water
i breathe two heavy belly breaths
and you're gone

2006-04-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

in the wake of your fallen leaves
i've made my nest
singing softly as i undress
sliding slowly into your hideaway

swallowed whole into this mossy bundle
i stretch and mold
configuring to the shape of your lips
your surrounding, moving lips

the wind inside our home is warm
starting at my ankles and dancing upward
slowly, slowly
telling secrets along the way

you've made me a sun, here inside
a perfect glowing sun
one with eyes that watch over us as we sleep
hidden from the world

2006-03-30T10:55:00.000-08:00

listening to your duet with ms.wind
i rested
thank you for the dance
for teaching me the art
of fair exposure

my limbs melted into yours that beautiful day
i sat with you as the sun was swallowed up by the ocean

we swam to india and back
bringing from it only the sweetest of stolen treasure

we built a boat and there we made our home
our children were our sails

we made each other wings
and took turns braving the storm

2006-03-28T13:37:00.000-08:00

i'm learning to love
these intimate days
these quiet days
these quivering hollow days

i'm realizing there may be some hope left
in this world for me

my silly flowers
are blooming
right before my eyes
and without my conscious permission

it's incredible to refuse to will my happiness into existence
to watch as the trees give off love when i touch them
to feel my soul expand like a sponge in water

2006-03-28T07:06:00.000-08:00

you are more
my love
now
than ever

more beautiful
from every angle

more enchanting
with every word

the memory of you
sharpens

you are more
my love
now
than ever

2006-03-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

"glorious is the moment we sit in the palace, you and i
two forms, two faces, but a single soul, you and i
the flowers will blaze and bird cries shower us with immortality
the moment we enter the garden, you and i
all the stars of heaven will run out to gaze at us
as we burn as the full moon itself, you and i
the fire-winged birds of heaven will rage with envy
in that place we laugh ecstatically, you and i
what a miracle, you and i, entwined in the same nest
what a miracle, you and i, one love, one lover, one fire
in this world and then next, in an ecstasy without end"
- rumi

2006-03-22T09:56:00.000-08:00

i awoke this morning
to the ocean at my door

to the ground full of holes
left by the footprints of my soul

they say she's a gypsy
that her feet melt into the earth

that her spirit lives in the trees
and her hands dance the dance of magic

i awoke this morning
to fire in my room

to the ground filled with song
written on grassblades with dew

i found her in my driveway
at the end by our cliff

there she sang
there she danced
and there she kissed my face
with magic

2006-03-15T09:20:00.000-08:00

i wish my kiss could cure you
of the wounds from a friend

my noblest efforts
have left you sadder still

oh my love
the sun it shines today

bright and blinding
dancing on the rooftops

out my window i can see you
the cement turns to grass under your feet

i'm watching as you move
as your colors change and evolve

keep walking my love
for today the sun it shines for you

2006-03-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

"I am but a poor struggling soul yearning to be wholly good, wholly truthful and wholly non-violent in thought, word and deed, but ever failing to reach the ideal which I know to be true. It is a painful climb, but the pain of it is a positive pleasure to me. Each step upwards makes me feel stronger and fit for the next."
- Gandhi

2006-03-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

i dreamt she was awake
fearful, panicked
alone in her home

she phoned and you would not go
there was no reason valid enough in your mind
'what if there is nothing wrong' you say
'and i travel to her for nothing'

what makes you feel this way
what part of your soul has died
such a horrible death
that any selfless shred of love
has become an inconceivable act

2006-03-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

it's the breath before death
the endless breath
the most pain a person can bear

but death never comes
this breath never ends
fucking haunting my every step

2006-03-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
- Harold Whitman

i stumbled across this quote on a website of a friend of a friend,
and i liked it very much.

2006-03-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

in our moment of conversation
there was a comparison made
between me and eve

not beautiful and simple
not free and new
not alive and unique
not strong and brilliant

rather
the one who doubted and thwarted
who denied and lost
who disgraced and abolished
who was naked and ashamed

i'm sorry that you see me this way
oh you who i love so dearly

my desire is for hope
that perhaps love will one day be enough
beyond adams and eves and trees and snakes
beyond stories and antidotes and metaphors
that maybe you will see me and you as something more
something worth truly loving

2006-03-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

i went to church today
and met you from afar in my mind

you cried when you told of the sadness you felt
for the lost and the wandering and the fearful

your secret was not well kept
for i knew it was you that you spoke of

i wanted to throw down my crochet hook
jump up from my seat on the floor
walk briskly to where you sat
and hug you firmly for as long as you'd let me

however, as i said earlier, i've only just met you
and only in my mind

2006-03-05T15:39:00.000-08:00

if i refuse this
what becomes of me
if i throw myself into hollows and tunnels and underground caverns
who is to know the better

perhaps i am something i never could have dreamed possible
maybe inside this soul lies the ability to feel
to be in excruciating pain
in blinding sadness

what if i were aloud
what if i dared the biggest dare
what would become of me

2006-03-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

in something like the crevices of deepest love
this thing has come to touch me

in the light of today
my flowers seem to have burst into blue flame

upon the doorstep i sit
launched into the abyss of something too precious to write

2006-03-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

i spent some time today at your house
and found the atmosphere had changed since i'd been there last
you seemed like cool liquid to me, distant, smooth in your movements
like aluminum
and tired
very old and tired
you wouldn't look in my eyes when we spoke

you renovated his room now that he's gone
maybe that is why you are this way

it makes me feel sad and troublesome
the way it is now when i enter your home

2006-03-05T12:14:00.000-08:00

i dare not speak a word
i wouldn't even hint at what we know
who we are
where we've been
and what we've done

our secrets hold the key to the universe
our whispers are like the deepest sea song
like night bugs in the black

we went adventuring into the unknown
four and a half hours of exploration
of cold and heat
of clear air and fog
of dead end roads and snowy car tracks

fear on the beach in the form of flashing red lights
fear with the eyes of a sleeping semi truck face first
wandering, wandering

we dance the dance of mystics
like the heat from whiskey in your belly
like the warm dampness of your insides come out
dancing, dancing

2006-03-02T07:03:00.000-08:00

i sought him but could not find him
i called him but he gave me no answer
if you find my beloved
tell him i am sick with love

2006-03-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

ice cold sunsets eat away at my mind
it's your way of telling me you've stolen all the beauty in the world
and left none for me in any respect

'fuck' i think. knowing you know
i highly doubt violated is the right word
or stolen, or abused.
although all of the above have been considered

to end the day. to begin another
to open and close like a sensor sensitive door
ah this life.

full of old wanting married men
full of the addiction of judgement
full of secret loves
full of untapped depths of the soul

forget the 'fuck'. i guess it's ok that you now know

2006-02-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

if i'm honest, i'd tell you that i'm scared to admit i still love you
if i admit it the full force of it's truth will be the experience of my soul, to be sure

it's like letting yourself feel one sadness, cry one tear
once you open the chasm you fall until you are consumed with intensity itself

some days i imagine it could kill me if i let it
some days i'm brave, some days i cry

2006-02-25T04:55:00.000-08:00

the stars were absent the night we walked
you spoke of soul mates and communal housing
of stunning beauty and polygamy
you boasted of your perfection as a lover
i laughed but did not hesitate to agree
amidst the stupor of your confession laid the treasure i sought

one love and no other
to love despite
to hate what you touch
to eat truth like half cooked meat

i smoke, i drink, i'm cold to the bone
i'm dizzy and i vomit
i lay awake listening to the sound of your heart
your hand against my face, my fingers, my spine

what then is left
to wish there was not nor ever were
to command away what has become like bone to my body
to ask the sun to shine no more
to vanish the vision of you in my mind, so clear and so alive
to curse the joy you've given me
no sooner would i steal the artist of his brush nor the poet of his word

for you have become endless to me
beyond time and place and destiny

i'm here now, left to my own feeble devices
left to move, to breathe
to love and be loved
ever searching, ever comparing to the enveloping beauty that is you

2006-02-24T01:40:00.000-08:00

they say the air is cold out there
that it's sharp and lustfully hungry
and could kill me in an instant

my pores are clogged today
my shoulders are stiff
from the long nights in your bed
from the hiding
from the secrets

they say it feels like exposed nerves on canvus
that i won't last long in that world of love
and i will drown, slowly and with shame